Joke of the Day...everday...updated

[bremereric]

Joke of the day 3/7/11

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

[Alleyoop2]

Good one

 

[bremereric]

Joke of the day...3/8/11

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, Whats wrong? The old man looks at the bartender through teary eyes and between sobs says, I married a beautiful woman two days ago.

Shes a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?

The old man looks at the bartender and says, I cant remember where I live

 

[MeMike]

Poor guy,, LMAO I need to remember that one :glasses1:

 

[bremereric]

Joke of the Day 3/14/11

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

uke:uke:uke:uke:uke:uke:uke:

 

[bremereric]

Joke of the Day 3/15/11

And once again...no I do not write these


A couple was having dinner at home when the wife said, "You know, Fred, when we were first married, you used to take the smaller piece of steak and give me the larger. Now, you take the larger one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more."

"Nonsense," replied Fred. "You cook better now!"

 

[MeMike]

Just thinking about that made me gag :icon_blackeye:
Good one I will share bremereric, lmao!! poor bus driver :icon_blackeye:

 

[bremereric]

Just thinking about that made me gag :icon_blackeye:
Good one I will share bremereric, lmao!! poor bus driver :icon_blackeye:

Don't read it right before eating anything....:icon_toilet:

 

[Alleyoop2]

That's a good one!

 

[bremereric]

Joke of the day 3/16/11

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional.

His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

 

[bremereric]

Joke of the day 3/17/11

:toothy1: Corny to say the least...

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

 

[bremereric]

Joke of the day 3/18/11

Seventy-six year old Grace was watching TV at home late one afternoon. Presently, the 5:00 news came on. The lead story was traffic mayhem on I-95 due to a car going down the highway the wrong way. Grace suddenly realized her husband was traveling home on that very same highway. Concerned, she reached for the phone and called him on his cell. "Harold," she said when he answered. "Are you still on I-95?" "I am," Harold replied. "Well then please be careful!" Grace said. "I just heard on the news that some maniac is going down the highway the wrong way!"

"One?" Harold replied. "Aw, heck, Grace, they're ALL going the wrong way!"

 

[bremereric]

I decided to move all of my daily jokes under one thread to keep the forum neater..I will post the joke of the day daily updates here..

 

[bremereric]

Joke of the day 3/19/11

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy obliges and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.
The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."

 

[bremereric]

Joke of the day 3/20/11

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

 

[bremereric]

Joke of the day 3/21/11

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred..'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

[bremereric]

Joke of the day 3/22/11

Top 10 Reasons You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And you can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason you know you are too old to go Trick Or Treating...

1. You have to go home to pee after every other house.

 

[bremereric]

Joke of the day 3/23/11

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"

 

[bremereric]

Joke of the day 3/24/11

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.So one day, deep in prayer as usual, the pious man raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above...

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

 

[bremereric]

Joke of the day 3/25/11

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."