Hunting season humor...........

tubtar

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There was this fellow , he one day decided that he wanted to go hunting.
Not exactly sure of what game he might encounter , he simply outfitted himself with some camo clothes and bought a rifle that was on the big side for varmints and a little small for say a Cape Buffalo.
He went traipsing through the woods , all the while trying to think like his potential prey.
Where would I rest , where would I eat , where would I go for water.
He chanced upon a small clearing in the middle of the forest with good cover on all sides and a few trails entering and leaving.
It looked good , so he holed up in some brush off to the side.
Sure enough , after a short while a bear came ambling into the clearing , moving as if nothing was amiss.
Perfect , he thought as he brought up his rifle and drew a bead on the bear.
He pulled the trigger and was surprised at the tremendous report of the round firing , knocked back by the recoil and at the same time feeling somehow empowered by the act.
He straightened up and went into the clearing to see his trophy..........there was nothing.
He was turning around and scratching his head when he felt a tap on his shoulder.
He looked back , only to see the bear standing there.
Not a mark on him.
The bear went on to explain ( it's a joke , bears can talk here ) " I know the deal buddy.........you're the hunter and I'm the prey. But it didn't quite work like you had hoped. Since I am in a good mood , I am going to give you a choice.
I either maul you to death , or fuck you up the ass. "
The hunter is stunned. he doesn't want to die of course , so he drops his camo trousers and lets the bear have his way with him.
He is completely and utterly humiliated.
On the drive home , he is getting angrier by the mile and when he returns to town he heads straight for the gun shop.
He upgrades to a .460 Weatherby.
He is going back out there and he is going to make that bastard pay !
The next morning , he is back in his blind waiting.
Sure enough , here comes the same bear , out of the same trail.
He levels the weapon and fires.......the roar is tremendous , the recoil knocks him flat on his ass and there is a cloud of acrid smoke obscuring his view into the opening.
He rushed out there and is completely flummoxed.........he was too close to miss , he had him centered in the cross hairs.
What the hell ?
All of a sudden , he feels a tap on his shoulder...........it is the bear again.
The bear tells him " Well , I guess you know the drill ".
He once again drops trou and submits.
On this drive home , he is positively foaming at the mouth.
That bear is going DOWN !
He contacts a friend who is the armorer for the local National Guard and his friend lets him borrow a bazooka.
The next morning , he is waiting in the same spot.
As predicted , here comes the same bear from the same trail.
The hunter carefully aims and squeezes the trigger.
There is no recoil , but a massive whoosh followed by the appropriate amount of smoke.....followed by a huge explosion in the clearing where the bear was.
Feeling vindicated and not a little proud of himself , he saunters into the clearing........admiring the smoking hole where the bear once was.
Then he notices........there is no blood , no hair , no entrails..........no sign of anythi.......................then he feels that familiar tap on his shoulder.
He turns and the bear asks him " You don't come here for the hunting , do you ? "
 

kkritsilas

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This is a Canadian one.

Its the middle of winter, and a fisherman (construction guy in real life) wants to go ice fishing. Packs up his brand new truck, gets his dog, and goes out to the middle of the frozen lake. Ice is really thick, but he came prepared for that. Gets out the gas powered auger, lets the dog out, and it is taking forever to drill a hole in the ice, and its getting cold. He figures, well, this isn't going well. He picks up the tool of last resort, stick of dynamite. Lights it, and with a mighty heave, throws it as far as he can. Dog, figuring this is a game of fetch the stick, takes off, and goes to bring the stick of dynamite back. Fisherman yelling and screaming, and the dog is getting confused. Fisherman chases the dog, trying to get the stick of dynamite away from the dog. The dog, not knowing what to do, goes and hides under the truck. Owner is going insane, trying to get the dog to drop the stick/ After short period of time, the dog gets really scared. drops the stick of dynamite, and starts running away. Fisherman, seeing as the fuse must be getting really short, also runs away from the truck. The dynamite goes off, destroying the truck, and cracking the ice, so the smoky remains of the truck sink into the lake.

Later on, as the police arrive, the fisherman is talking to the policeman. Cop says, "Wow, that's a pretty unbelievable story. What are you going to do know?". Fisherman says "Buy a gun". Cop says "So, giving up ice fishing? Going to try hunting instead?". Fisherman says "No. Going to shoot the dog".

Some have said this is true, bit I don't think it is, it is most likely made up.
 

Aspen500

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It's made up story but it's a good made up story!
I saw that one on "Mythbuster's". They tried to see if a single stick of dynamite would sink a vehicle and it didn't so, of course, they ramped it up to see what it would take. I really miss that show.:(
 

Justwondering

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You know... I dearly love me some Burt Reynolds ....
But that scene in Deliverance just gives me the creeps...

JW
 

Aspen500

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You know... I dearly love me some Burt Reynolds ....
But that scene in Deliverance just gives me the creeps...

JW

Me too. He sure do got a pretty mouth, don't he? To this day, anytime I hear "dueling banjos", I get the heebie-jeebies.

You know what gets me every single time though? It's that scene at the end of "Carrie" when the hand comes out of the ground and grabs that girls arm. I'm getting tingles and chills up my spine just thinking about it.:eek:
 

Oldiron440

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Here's the only hunting story I have.
One morning two guys were out hunting without much luck when they came upon a set of tracks. The fist guy says wow i think these are dear track's and the second one says nope those are bear tracks, just then a train ran over them both.
 
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