Joke of the Day...everday...updated

My imp · Dec 15, 2012

A not so well endowed man goes to the doctor for an enlargement. The dr says $30,000. The man says I only have $3000, what can you give me for that? The dr thinks, and says,"how about a hunk of elephant trunk?". The man agrees & surgery is performed. Upon his next date, when things get serious, he whips out the trunk. The woman shrieks "oh my God! Look at the size of that thing! Let's get married, we're going to meet my parents!" At a formal dinner with future in-laws, an elephant's trunk appears from under the table. It sniffs around, finds, & picks. Up a baked potato, & dissappears under the table. The future mother-in-law sees this & comments,"That's a really neat trick! I'd like to see it again!" Man replies, "I'd love to show you, but I don't think my a**hole can take another baked potato!!"

My imp · Dec 15, 2012

Four guys join the Marines during WW II. One of them gets a field commission. FF 30 yrs & they are all talking retirement. The one with the FC is feeling guilty, seeing as he made Full Bird. I know I'm no better than any of you. And to make up for it, I have decided to let you pick the longest measurement on your body & I'll pay you $1000 pr/in. 1st guy measures 6' 2" head to toe, gets$74,000. 2nd guy measures 6' 5" from fingertip to fingertip, gets $77,000. 3rd guy says, "I want measured from the tip of my penis, to the back of my b*lls!" The Colonel says,"C'mon man, how big can it be?" 3rd guy says it's his choice, right? So they put the measuring tape on the tip of his penis & working back, they run right into his butthole. "Hey, where are your b*lls? Back on the beach, at Iwo Jima!

My imp · Dec 15, 2012

Farmer walks into kitchen where his wife of 25yrs is making lunch. He reaches up & grabs her ample breasts & says," You know Honey, if these things gave milk; we could get rid of the cows!" "Yes Dear", she replied. He then reached between her legs & stated," And, if this thing laid eggs; we could get rid of the chickens!" "And", she said while reaching down & grabbing his manhood,"If this thing ever got hard, we could get rid of your brother!"

My imp · Dec 15, 2012

Couple gets married & decide to pick a code word for having sex. They decide on "washing machine". One day he comes home in a GREAT mood. Just got a big raise & promotion at work, and says,"Honey I just had a GREAT day, & I REALLY want to washing machine". She, on the other hand had a TERRIBLE day, & said"Honey, I really don't want to washing machine" Later on in bed that night, the wife had a change of heart & told her husband she wanted to washing machine! He said,"That's ok honey, it was a small load, so I did it by hand!"

My imp · Dec 17, 2012

A man walks into his bedroom to find his wife of many years massaging a cream into her rather small breasts. "What's up honey?" She replied,"This is the latest breast enlargement cream from Europe, just rub it in 2 times a day for..." He cut her off saying, "you don't need that honey, I know a much cheaper way! All you need to use is a little piece of toilet paper to rub your breasts." "And just what is that going to do?" He replied,"Just look at what it's done for your butt!"

My imp · Dec 18, 2012

A man with terrible hemmorroids goes to the doctor. After the exam, the doctor gives him a prescription for suppositories & says try (2) of these a day & come back & see me in a week. After a week, the man returns. The doctor says, "How'd they work for you?". "Terrible, for the good these things did, I might as well've shoved them up my *ss!"

My imp · Dec 19, 2012

'Twas the night before Christmas & all through the house; the whole family'd been drinking, as drunk as a louse. The stockings were filled with pretzels & beer, a big rubber d*ck for my brother the queer. Ma from the outhouse & Pa from the ale; they'd just settled down for a nice piece of tail. When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter; I sprung from my broad to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash; I didn't quite make it I fell on my *ss. The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow, gave a beautiful view of the wh*re house below. When what to my eyes should appear? A rusty old sleigh with eight mangy reindeer. The little old driver was fingering his pr*ck, I knew in a second it must be St. Nick! Then slower than snails he called them by name. He bitched & he hollered, & slowly they came, "on Dasher, on Dancer, get up those damn walls! And if you won't do it I'll cut off your b*lls!" Then down through the chimney & out through the door, he didn't quite make it. Now there's sh*t on the floor. And I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight, "Piss on you all, it's been a hell of a night!"

My imp · Dec 23, 2012

Why doesn't Justin Beiber shop at Sports Authority? Because he likes Dick's!

efriedrich · Dec 23, 2012

Lmao..

My imp · Dec 29, 2012

A VERY large man goes to see THE diet doctor. He says, "I've tried them all doc. Atkins, Scarsdale, Weight Watchers, South Beach, & nothing has worked. Perplexed, the doc says that there is a new European diet out there, but it is experimental, & controversial. " I'm desperate doc, I'll try anything!" The doctor goes on to explain that you don't eat the food; you insert it directly up into the rectum. This way, your body doesn't absorb all those calories. It only absorbs the nutrients, & passes the bulk as waste, & no weight is gained. The man leaves the office,& doesn't come back in for a year. The doc is AMAZED at how fantastic this guy looks. He tells him to have a seat while he reviews his vitals. Man sits down & begins to fidget in his chair. The whole time they're talking ,the man is doing this. Finally, the doc says he looks great, all we have left is to get rid of that nervous habit of yours, & you'll get a clean bill of health. What habit? The habit where you can't sit still in your seat! Man laughs & says, "That's not a nervous habit, I'm chewing gum!"1

7T8 Custom · May 17, 2020

Saw this joke on another site and liked it. Thought I would pass it on.

WAITING IN LINE.
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “If you don’t let me unlock the damn door you’ll never get in there.”

MoparDan · May 31, 2020

A little kid who lives on a farm comes downstairs for breakfast, his mother asks him if he did his chores, he hasn't so she says no breakfast until you do them. The little kid is mad and he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one, he then kicks a cow, and a pig and goes back inside and only gets bowl with dry cereal "How come I didn't get any bacon or eggs and how come theres no milk in my cereal?" the kid asks. Well his mother says "I saw you kick a chicken, so no eggs for 2 weeks, I saw you kick a pig, so no bacon for 2 weeks, and I saw you kick a cow, so no milk for 2 weeks" Just then the father comes downstairs and kicks the cat out of the way, the kid laughs and asks the mother "Should I tell him or should you?"

Aspen500 · Jul 24, 2020

Did you hear about the horde of zombies that broke into CNN headquarters looking for brains? They had to leave empty handed and hungry.

Oldiron440 · Apr 25, 2022

One evening when my grandson was four I farted while he was in the tub, he promptly asked if it smelled I said no it was like grandma’s and they smelled like the flowers in her garden. Nothing more was said until the next night at the in law’s he asked my wife if her farts stink and she said no. He looks at her and says Papa says they smell like horse poop.

True story and yes I had just fertilized the garden.

Duke5A · Apr 27, 2022

Honest to God this happened. When my daughter was four she asked me what I was doing all week in the garage. I told her I was putting a bigger motor in the car because Daddy likes to go fast. You could see the gears moving and she finally asked, "If you like to go fast, why do you move so slow?"

Ouch, I had to go to the burn unit for that one.

LSM360 · Oct 15, 2022

What are the proper pronouns for chocolate?

Her/She

Duke5A · Oct 15, 2022

LSM360 said:
What are the proper pronouns for chocolate?

Her/She

Yum and Num.

Duke5A · Oct 15, 2022

Duke5A said:
Yum and Num.

Pronouns for Michael Jackson? Heee/Heeee

LSM360 · Oct 16, 2022

Did you hear the one about the sidewalk?

Aspen500 · Oct 16, 2022

No I did not. Did it hear a joke so funny it cracked up? (yeah I know, boo, hiss).

Joke of the Day...everday...updated

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