LSM360
Well-Known Member
I'm surprised you didn't hear the one about the sidewalk; it's all around town!
Joke of the Day...everday...updated
- Thread starter bremereric
- Start date
MoparDan
Well-Known Member
I was a very happy man; my wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister, Bella.
My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate as she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to “check my sister’s wedding invitations”, she said.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn’t overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said “Before you commit your life to my sister”.
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me”.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, “Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son”.
And the moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car!
It was her beautiful younger sister, Bella.
My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate as she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to “check my sister’s wedding invitations”, she said.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn’t overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said “Before you commit your life to my sister”.
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me”.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, “Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son”.
And the moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car!
MoparDan
Well-Known Member
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
MoparDan
Well-Known Member
volare 1977
Well-Known Member
Great! A Genie with Auditory Neuropathy
AMC Diplomat
Well-Known Member
Justwondering
Well-Known Member
Oh my ...
Such memories come flooding back for dead baby jokes in the 70's.
And blond jokes in the 80's.
None of which is politically correct anymore.
How do you get 100 babies in a bucket?
With a blender.
How do you get them out again?
With Doritos
The executive suite critters HATED that joke at Frito Lay Corporate offices.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
You shine a flashlight in her ears.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
There is whiteout on the screen. -- course, nowdays no one uses a typewriter so they don't know what white out is. sigh.
JW
Such memories come flooding back for dead baby jokes in the 70's.
And blond jokes in the 80's.
None of which is politically correct anymore.
How do you get 100 babies in a bucket?
With a blender.
How do you get them out again?
With Doritos
The executive suite critters HATED that joke at Frito Lay Corporate offices.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
You shine a flashlight in her ears.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
There is whiteout on the screen. -- course, nowdays no one uses a typewriter so they don't know what white out is. sigh.
JW
Aspen500
Well-Known Member
LOL! The word I use before "political correctness", I won't use here. Let's just say it starts with an "F" 
MoparDan
Well-Known Member
I always say "well I'm not a politician"LOL! The word I use before "political correctness", I won't use here. Let's just say it starts with an "F"
Oldiron440
Well-Known Member
I’ve been here.
Oldiron440
Well-Known Member
Id say it’s a McFlurry…
AMC Diplomat
Well-Known Member
"I'm loving it" is just short for "I am loving it" and when you rearrange the letters it spells "ailing vomit" which is what happens after you eat McDonald's
Aspen500
Well-Known Member
Pretty much! Or Burger King, Hardees, Arby's, 5 Guys.......Blech, gag. (JMO)
Oldiron440
Well-Known Member
I think it’s a guy in drag…
Justwondering
Well-Known Member
I remember the SNL skit from back in the day when it was funny.... Dana Carvey dressed up as 'The Church Lady' with a Christmas Message about Santa ... where he rearranges the letters to be Satan....
very irreverent ... was funny ... but a quick search for that clip is not providing the whole clip, just a partial... ah gotta love censors.
JW
very irreverent ... was funny ... but a quick search for that clip is not providing the whole clip, just a partial... ah gotta love censors.
JW
